Days Two- Six: Chemo, Poking, and Faith

              Waking up the second day at the hospital was a difficult one for me. I had a long night. I missed my hubby and my sweet baby. It’s crazy how fast loneliness can consume you when you let it. My morning was pretty quiet and I learned that I was going to be started on steroids. They hooked me up to my fun tower and filled me full of fluids. The day was full of vital checks, blood draws, and blood transfusions. I felt like a vampire. I had a few visitors that helped lift me spirits and many many well wishes via Facebook. I definitely felt the love from so many people.

                Each night, though, was becoming more difficult. I wasn’t sleeping well due to the steroids, stress, and trying to dry up my milk supply. I was uncomfortable. Even worse, I could feel myself slipping into self-discouragement. I was becoming angry. I know I have the right to grieve and that it would be unhealthy for me not to, but it was becoming overwhelming. I realized that even though I had received blessings from Joe and others, I personally had not turned to my Heavenly Father myself. I couldn’t get myself to do it because of my stubbornness. I didn’t want to be in that hospital. I did not want to go through this trial again. I wanted to be home with my family in our new home. I wanted to be worries about leaving my baby to go to work for four hours, not for months. I was angry.

                I also knew that this attitude was not going to help me in anyway. It would just lead me to be miserable. I finally had to humble myself to get down on my knees. I prayed… I cried. I expressed what was in my heart. I told him how I didn’t understand why we were going through these trials again. I told him that I was feeling really alone and scared. Almost right as those words came out of my mouth, there was a soft knock at the door.

                One of my sweet nurses poked her head in. She saw me and immediately came to my bed and just hugged me. I felt my Savior through that embrace. I knew Heavenly Father had not forgotten me and that at that moment He was there. After my nurse had left, I expressed my gratitude for that sweet tender mercy and I started thanking Him for my beautiful family and the blessings they have been. As I was pouring my heart out about our sweet new baby, my phone buzzed. I tried not to be distracted as I finished up my prayer and after I closed my prayer, I looked down to this picture……..

                Sorry, I got a little personal for a bit but this journey has been a little bit different from the first go around. At this point, I am pretty used to the poking and prodding. I don’t flinch when I see my blood anymore and I can throw down pills like no buddy’s business. This go-around for me is a lot more emotional. Maybe it’s the post-partum…… But all I know is that my faith is what is going to get me by this time around. I have already seen how Heavenly Father has carefully placed this trial by fire in a time in our life when we can handle it. Gray is still so young. I have had almost 3 months to love, cuddle, care, and feed him. He isn’t a screaming and crazy toddler yet. He won’t remember if mommy becomes as bald as he is and that her face will get all swollen and puffy. His love is unconditional. Also, Eboni, my sister and donor, is not doing school this semester. Her schooling lined up at the perfect time that she will be able to be there for me for the transfusion. Joe got a wonderful job that has given him wonderful support and great health benefits. God has a timing for everything. Though it isn’t always convenient for us, He has our best interest at heart. He knows us and loves us unconditionally and I have truly felt it these last couple of days.