Home Sweet Home: My Search For Faith and Peace

First I wanted to share a little message that one of my dear friends sent to me while I have been home. She probably doesn’t even know the impact her words or insight have had on me these past 2 weeks. 

                         “The Savior has suffered not just for our iniquities but also for the inequality, the unfairness, the pain, the anguish, and the emotional distress that so frequently beset us. There is no physical pain, no anguish of soul, no suffering of spirit, no infirmity or weakness that you or I ever experience during our mortal journey that the Savior did not experience first. You and I in a moment of weakness may cry out, ‘No one understands. No one knows.’ No human being, perhaps, knows. But the Son of God perfectly knows and understands, for He felt and bore our burdens before we ever did. And because He paid the ultimate price and bore that burden, He has perfect empathy and can extend to us His arm of mercy in so many phases of our life. He can reach out, touch, succor - literally run to us - and strengthen us to be more than we could ever be and help us to do that which we could never do through relying upon only our own power.”- Elder Bednar, BYU Devotional 2001.

                        These words, my friends, have been so overwhelmingly powerful for me at this point. I talked a little earlier in my blog about how I knew this journey was going to be a little different than from my first battle with Leukemia back in 2009, and it certainly has been. I have had to come to understand and come to terms that my battle with Leukemia is not over. Why? I still do not know, but I cannot deny that how everything has lined up has been nothing but planned by a loving Heavenly Father who knows the needs of my family and I.

                        Being at home has been fabulous. Joe and I have loved being able to be with our little Gray at night and it has been so refreshing to be surrounded by the comforts of home. We have had the most incredible outpouring of love and support from our family, neighbors and friends. As I type these words, I can barely see my computer screen because of all of my tears of gratitude. People have brought us dinners, beautiful notes and cards, diapers, wipes, and formula for Gray. It has been so greatly appreciated. It’s so hard too because I feel so undeserving.

                        One of the downsides of me being at home, though, is that I still want to do everything. I tend to forget that I am taking large amounts of medication and chemo treatments, and what?...... I’m getting tired? I can’t get tired. I want to be independent but I have fast come to realize that my body is not too happy with me right now. If I do too much, my body will SCREAM at me. The body aches, more than likely from my steroids, are at times completely unbearable and all encompassing. Joe has had to walk beside me, behind me, almost pushing me up our stairs. He has had to help me on and off the toilet, which is so humiliating. I feel like a giant burden. So this has been SUPER humbling for me.

            This is where the message from Elder Bednar hit so close to home for me. When we first learned that my Leukemia had come back, I knew we could handle it. I remembered handling my treatments so well before for over 2 years, so my body would be able to take this next round like a champ. Maybe like the blessing of childbirth, my past memories may have been a bit fuzzy on the painful details of my treatments. I think Heavenly Father helped me forget about all of the original pain I had gone through in order to help me face this battle head on again. But just like child birth, it is all coming back. J It’s been tough. I have had moments when the pain has been so intense that I have just laid in bed and cried. I’ve felt like a burden to my husband who now has to take care of me and our new baby, plus be a provider. How could my body give out at this time when he needs me so much? Then you I am faced with the reality of faith. Do I have enough to get me through this battle again? And why again? Then the thought comes into my mind that no one understands the anguish that stands before me. My selfish thinking and anger returns. Why is it so easy for me to forget about our Savior. I have faith in Him. I love Him and know that He has suffered it all for me so I can have someone to turn to who understands. Joe and I have sat for hours now talking about this.

            Joe opened up the Book of Mormon and read to me in Mosiah 24: 12- 15:

 

            12 And Alma and his people did not raise their voices to the Lord their God, but did pour out their hearts to him; and he did know the thoughts of their hearts.

                 13 And it came to pass that the voice of the Lord came to them in their afflictions, saying: Lift up your heads and be of good comfort, for I know of the covenant which ye have made unto me; and I will covenant with my people and deliver them out of bondage.

                 14 And I will also ease the burdens which are put upon your shoulders, that even you cannot feel them upon your backs, even while you are in bondage; and this will I do that ye may stand as witnesses for me hereafter, and that ye may know of a surety that I, the Lord God, do visit my people in their afflictions.

                15 And now it came to pass that the burdens which were laid upon Alma and his brethren were made light; yea, the Lord did strengthen them that they could bear up their burdens with ease, and they did submit cheerfully and with patience to all the will of the Lord.

 

                        I know that this Leukemia is my burden to bear and that I will learn and grow from it. But it is all about my attitude and faith. The trust and faith that I have in our Savior, Jesus Christ, is what will get me through these pains and hardships. I know that if I will humbly seek out my Savior, He will be right beside me to help me carry my pain, hardships, and discouragement. I also know that it is up to me to seek Him out. That is acting in faith. It is something that I have struggled with because of my pride. I also know He will not completely relieve these trials from Joe and I completely but we have the opportunity to learn and to grow together from them. I have felt our trust and love towards one another growing stronger day by day. I have felt and seen so many small and beautiful miracles that stand as a testament that my family is not alone in the fight. We will have help but I have to humble myself to accept these hardships and laugh, love, and smile through them.

                        My hope is that those who may be struggling with their own hardships right now, whatever they may be, please PLEASE remember that you are not ALONE! We are so loved and I know that our Heavenly Father will not give us more than we can bear. Turn to him and trust that He will be there for you. Trials stink. Life is tough and not fair at times. But smile. Laugh! And find the joy in every moment! Love you guys!!